Fresh Voices: Blood Only Makes You Related,Love and Trust Make You Family

Most of the articles in Living Peace are written by sisters, associates, or staff. Fresh Voices is a column written by, or focusing on, someone outside the CSJP community to help raise awareness on specific issues.

Ethan, Jayden, Brett, and Damon.

by Michael and Brett Hayes

In a world where so many are hurting and in need of love, Michael and Brett Hayes have chosen to expand their capacity to love through fostering and adoption, compassionately creating a family and a safe and loving home for three boys. We reached out to them recently to learn more about how they chose to take this road less traveled.

When and how did you two meet?

Brett and I met back in August of 2009. He was visiting for Gay Pride Amsterdam, and we were introduced by a mutual friend. We hit it off, but he was only there for the weekend. Two weeks later he came back to visit me and after that visit we decided to start dating and give a long-distance relationship a shot. We did long distance for a couple of years, mainly because of many immigration challenges here in the USA, so Brett decided to move to the Netherlands in 2013. After two years there, we made a mutual decision to move to the USA, so we packed up and we’ve been back since 2015.

When did you decide you wanted to have kids?

I have always known I wanted to be a dad. I guess it’s in my blood. Brett, on the other hand, not so much. He never really had a desire for kids. But then after our nephew was born and he started to get older, that little munchkin started opening Brett’s heart, and eventually he came around and we started planning how we wanted to start a family.

Why did you choose to foster and ultimately adopt?

Our goal was always to start and grow our family, but certain options can also be very expensive. Until doing research, we didn’t realize how many kids are in foster care and how many of those kids need a forever home.

It spoke to us, so we decided to get licensed. The main goal for foster kids is always reunification with their biological parents; however, that doesn’t always work out, so we decided to focus on the children that were free for adoption.

How old were your sons when you fostered/adopted each of them?

For each child we have taken in, it has taken about a year from the day they moved in until the adoption was final. In that period, we were technically fostering them.

Our first one was Damon. He was 17 when he moved in, but his 18th birthday was right around the corner. Damon’s adoption probably took the longest, because Damon has special needs. The combo of that and technically being an adult made it a difficult adoption case. His adoption was final right after his 19th birthday!

A couple of months after Damon’s adoption, Ethan moved in. He was 15 when he moved in. Ethan’s adoption was final in about nine months, right before his birthday, which funny enough is the same birthday as Damon. Talk about meant to be.

Recently, about a month ago, our third and final son moved in. Jayden is eight, and he’s just another perfect fit. His adoption will be final later this year.

Brett, Damon, Jayden and Michael.

Have you faced discrimination or had any special challenges?

It’s hard to prove, but we have definitely felt that we weren’t picked for kids that we showed interest in because we were a same-sex couple. Every county has its own Department of Special Services (DSS) and even within that same DSS office, every social worker works differently and seems to have different rules and their own set of beliefs. The kids don’t seem to be phased at all. They just want to be loved. Outside of that we haven’t really run into weird situations, but we also make sure we live in a mostly blue area, so the chances of our kids getting exposed to hate are small.

What advice might you give to someone else who wants to start a family this way?

Find people who are on a similar path and that understand parenting kids with trauma is different. Your “normal” village simply won’t understand, even though they have really good intentions. Find a Facebook group for foster families in your area. You would be surprised how many people are on the same journey.

What are your hopes for your family for the future?

Our hope is that their biggest struggles are already in the past, and that they can finally breathe, get out of survival mode and live a happy and healthy life.

What gives you the most joy about your family?

It’s really the small things. Watching our kids daily playing together and acting like real brothers or a random hug and an “I love you” from one of the kids. Blood only makes you related, love and trust make you family.

In recognizing the dignity of all persons, we commit ourselves to education and action that aim to eliminate discrimination in all its forms within the congregation, in those places and institutions where we minister, and in the wider society. (Constitution 24)

This article appeared in the Summer 2025 issue of Living Peace.